I was talking to one of my friends who is engaged to someone who she has been with since she was 14 (she’s 23 now) and I started thinking to myself “Why haven’t I found my soul mate yet?” I am not one of those girls who really likes to date and when I fall for someone, I fall pretty hard and it seems that I have invested more time/money/effort into the situation than the other person and nine times out of ten, things rarely ever work out the way I expected them to.

I started thinking (as I usually do ) about my mindset when entering these situations with men and I realized that in every instance, I tried to be what I thought they wanted from me instead of just being comfortable with being myself. One situation stands out in particular. I’ve talked about this guy in a few of my live chats/posts because our situation had a profound impact on how I viewed myself in relationships. Since I don’t like putting anyone’s real name out there, let’s call this guy “Superstar”(that was my nickname for him back in the day). Superstar was someone I met through mutual friends and we clicked instantly.  He had so much going on in his life and I wanted to help him in any way I could whether it was through financial or spiritual means. He gave me the nickname “Angel” because he said I was always there for him when he needed it most. I thought that this meant that we were on the same page when it came to our feelings especially since we had both been open about how much we liked each other and enjoyed each other’s company.  When he lost someone very close to him, I realized that no matter how much I loved him and wanted us to be together, he had a different plan in mind.At the funeral, he met someone he called his “dreamgirl” and ended up introducing me to her before he went back to school out-of-state. To say that I was shocked was an understatement. I felt as if my heart was ran over by a four-wheeler pick up truck. I was so confused, angry and hurt and  thought to myself, “She wasn’t there for him when he was going through all of this shit in his personal life. She didn’t give him any money! In fact she took from him but he still chose her over me!”  I was there through all of it but yet that wasn’t good enough. I had a pity party and started playing sad songs including Keyshia Cole’s song “Love”. The part where she sang “And I can’t believe you’re hurting me. I met your girl what a difference. What you see in her you ain’t see in me. But I guess it was all just make-believe” had me crying more rivers than Justin Timberlake could ever sing about.

It took me a long time afterwards to realize why things didn’t work out. I became who I thought he needed instead of explicitly stating what exactly it was that I wanted. I assumed that me being his “angel” would be enough to open his eyes and his heart to what was in front of him. I wanted to be his “dreamgirl” but his dreams and our reality were two totally different things. Instead of learning from that experience, I started doing similar things in situations that followed. I didn’t state what I wanted out of the relationship because I figured that I would get what I wanted in the end when I molded myself into the “dreamgirl” that the next man would kill to be with. I ignored the warning signs of the selfish, thoughtless, insensitive man who I met after Superstar because I thought that I was the one that needed to change to get what I wanted and when I realized that he wasn’t worth the time or effort, the damage had already been done. Even in my current situation, I initially thought that patience and passiveness (2 years worth) would be the key to earning his trust and his heart but that light inside of my brain finally turned on and broke me out of the “dreamgirl” behavior that started with Superstar.  I refuse to drive myself crazy trying to figure out exactly how to act or what to say or do to get what it is that I want and if me being me isn’t good enough, then the man just isn’t worth it.

Moral of the story: The only person’s dreams I can make come true are my own…and that is exactly where my focus lies now hence all things “Angielala Experience”:) My new goal is to focus on the things I can control and leave everything else in the hands of fate…let’s see how it goes!

Make sure you join in on the “Confidence Campaign” because I have a lot planned so stay tuned!


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