I would hold you in my arms…I would take the pain away…Thank you for all you’ve done …Forgive all your mistakes…There’s nothing I wouldn’t do… To hear your voice again… Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won’t be there
As many of you know from an earlier post of mine, my father had a stroke and I have been MIA for the most part dealing with all of that. He passed away last Saturday and I was hesitant to post about it on here because I didn’t want to bring any sadness to anyone reading. Then a friend of mine reminded me that blogging is a release and that the good and the bad highlight humanity as a whole so I decided to share what has gone on in my head in hopes that it will possibly help someone else going through a similar situation.
Back in January, I wrote a post called “Daddy’s Little Girl” (http://theangielalaexperience.com/2014/01/09/daddys-little-girl/) where I discussed the issues I have had with my father. I was mad at him but also at myself because I wasn’t sure how we were going to make things better and when I wrote that post, we weren’t on speaking terms. Right before he left to stay with my grandmother in Florida, we made up in our own way and I helped him pack and gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him to have a safe trip. I didn’t feel sad or anything because I just knew he’d be back. If I had known that it was the last time I’d ever see him again, I know I would have done things differently. I would have talked a bit more, laughed a bit more with him and focused on the positive instead of what was lacking in our relationship. We spoke on the phone after that and he was always asking me to do something for him which annoyed the hell out of me but I did what he asked…eventually. In our last real conversation, he asked me if I missed him and I told him I did but that I wanted him to get his life together and he said that’s exactly what he was trying to do. I know in my heart that he was trying because he told my mom the same and wanted to make things up to her. It hurts so much that when he finally decided to turn his life around, he ended up losing his life in the process. I wish I would have been more patient and understanding and I wish I could have seen things from his point of view instead of being solely wrapped up in my emotions. I knew he loved me especially after everyone told me how proud he was of me but I hope he knew that I loved him too. I tell him every night before I go to sleep because it’s my way of making up for all the times I didn’t say it. I don’t believe in regrets because everything happens for a reason but I do wish that my father and I would have had more time together but I cherish all the moments we had, even the bad ones because now I am able to look back on it all and appreciate him for who he was.
I have learned that to move on, you have to forgive and allow others to forgive you as well. I hope that my daddy forgave me in his own way for my ignorance and selfishness that placed a strain on our relationship in the past. I can’t change what has happened but I can move forward knowing that he is in a better place and that even though I can’t see him, his presence lives on. I know that whenever I hear a Smokey Robinson (his favorite artist) song on the radio or see Rocky (the squirrel he used to feed crackers to) on our roof , that is his way of leaving a piece of him with me wherever I go. I am hurting now but I want anyone who has been through something like this or is going through it now to know that everything will be alright in time and those breakdown moments will come but it is to be expected and will clear the way for happier days ahead.
Much love to you all!