Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I’m found. Was blind but now I see.
Line from “Amazing Grace”
For the past couple of weeks, I have racked my brain trying to figure out what I wanted to write about. I wanted my words to be positive and have some type of meaning to them. I didn’t want to sound redundant and mention topics/themes that I have written about recently but it’s been difficult because I feel like I’ve been at a standstill lately. I haven’t been as focused and driven as I wanted to be and have settled when it comes to what I want out of life. Instead of making changes, I became complacent and that is a scary thing because when you are in that mode, you feel like nothing will ever change and that this is the best that it will ever be. I was wallowing in self-pity especially when I started to compare my life to my peers and started becoming envious of their success. I know envy is one of the seven deadly sins but “dead” in this instance meant that the part of me that made me different and unique was starting to die. I was losing myself because I put limits on my expectations by settling and being jealous of others who haven’t . Nothing worth having comes easy and even though I knew all of this, I still allowed myself to sink deeper and everything I wanted and desired felt like it was slipping further away from me and the woman I wanted to be started to slip away as well.
I have epiphanies on a regular basis especially as of late. I have had a lot of time to reflect on life and see things as they are. The problem is that after said epiphany, I don’t take the necessary actions to change my situation because of all the work that has to be put in place. I realized all of this when I was talking to one of my kids at my tutoring job. She was upset because she felt one of the other girls was being mean to her and she felt like she was treated unfairly by the other girls in the center as well as her siblings at home. As a result, she started sulking and crying. I told her that although I understood why she was upset, she had to take responsibility for her own actions because she had been mean to the girls in the past and had hurt their feelings. In order for her to get along with the girls and her siblings, she would have to be the type of person that others would want to be around and in turn, they would give her the same treatment. Crying and sulking wouldn’t help her situation but making the necessary changes would. I said it in simpler terms of course but I realized I was giving her good advice but I wasn’t applying any of it to my life but instead, continued to go through the motions. I realized that I would continue to lose myself if I kept doing the same things over and over. That experience was definitely an eye opener and was the main inspiration for this post!
It would be a lie to say that I have all the answers and I know exactly what it is I need to do to get to where I want to be because I am still trying to figure all that out but I do know that I can’t keep wasting the knowledge that my epiphanies give me because it is liking ignoring signs that will keep me on the road to my destiny. I am finding my way back on the right path slowly but surely and I want to thank all of you because by reading and sharing your thoughts/opinions, I feel as if you are on this journey with me:) Have an amazing weekend and always remember to love and live luxuriously!