Good Afternoon! I know I haven’t posted in a week and to be honest, I didn’t feel up to it. I’ve been really bummed out lately and up until today, my anxiety was going into overdrive. I had a hard time falling asleep and when I finally did, I kept having weird dreams that I’m still trying to decipher. On top of all that, my chest felt tight and I knew I was worried/anxious but I wasn’t sure why. It took spending time with my grandmother yesterday for the light bulb to go off in my head and the conversation we had helped me get to the root of my anxiety which helped me to move forward.
My grandmother has soooooo many pictures from the time she graduated high school until now and as I mentioned in an earlier post “Photograph”, (https://amoreluxe.com/2016/10/12/photograph/) I love looking at them and hearing all the stories behind the pictures. As we came across a picture of my father who passed in 2014, we both started feeling melancholy and my grandma said “A mother isn’t supposed to outlive her child” and how she usually understands that everything happens for a reason but my father’s passing was something that she could never fully comprehend. I told her that some things just aren’t meant to be understood but that you have to accept it and find peace in knowing that things happen the way they are supposed to. Call it destiny, fate or whatever but what is meant to be will be. In that moment, I realized that most of my anxiety stemmed from the fact that I was worried about things that I could not change or control. I would ask myself questions like “Why did I slack off in my late teens-early 20’s at the first college I attended?” “Why did I waste so much time being involved with men who weren’t ready to commit?” and the one that I kept wasting energy on was “Why does it feel like I’m so behind in life compared to everyone else?” The answer to all of my questions was the same: Since it cannot be changed, I need to find peace with it and move on. I can’t change the past so why do I continue to focus on the mistakes I’ve made as it relates to school or relationships? I can only focus on the present and future and learn from those mistakes to make better choices that will bring happiness and success in my life. When it comes to worrying about others, it’s pointless because as I’ve stated many times before, everyone has their own journey and comparing my life to others doesn’t help me in my journey especially since I may not know what they went through to get to where they are today. Everyone has their own story and while I encourage others to go after their goals and dreams and live up to their potential, I only have control over my life and I need to direct my thoughts and energy on getting to where I want to be and look at positive examples and use that to fuel my motivation instead of allowing it to drain the passion that burns within me. I would say the “Serenity Prayer” every night before going to bed but last night was the first time in a long time that I said it and believed in the words I whispered to myself. For those of you who don’t know the “Serenity Prayer”, here it goes:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
I know that the battle within myself isn’t over yet but I am in a better mental space today and I am glad I am able to share all the craziness inside this head of mine with you! Let me know what you think and like/share this post if you were able to learn something from it 🙂 Check back on Wednesday for my next post which will probably be about what helps me to de-stress because I’ve tried any and everything to relax and stay focused so stay tuned for that!
Much love to you all and always remember to love and live luxuriously!