Toxic Relationship Types

Good Morning! I’ve realized that a lot of the inspiration behind many of my recent posts have come from something I’ve witnessed in person or online and today’s topic is no different. One of my FB friends shared a post that highlighted the 7 different types of toxic men in relationships. You have the good guy, the player, the inconsistent guy, the no initiative guy, the insecure guy, the emotionally draining guy and the Netflix and chill guy. I was laughing so hard to myself because I have definitely dated a few of these types of men which I will get into later but right after I shared the post on my page and saw some of the comments to it, they made one for 7 (actually 6) different types of toxic women including the curve queen, the heartless girl. the pick me, the user, the head over heels girl and the insecure girl. I’m not sure if it was because its more difficult to be objective when thinking about yourself or because I didn’t see myself as a “toxic” type but after rereading and being completely honest with myself, I saw that I was a mixture of two types and because of that, I may be part of the reason why I haven’t had success in past relationships.

As far as the types of toxic men I’m attracted to, I usually attract the inconsistent man because I’m pretty chill at the beginning and when the guy seems to show some interest, I start falling for him and it seems that at that exact moment that I catch feelings, he decides to fall back. It happened with the last guy I was seeing and it’s happened in the past with guys I was into. It has been so frustrating and I initially wondered what exactly was it that I was doing wrong and it took me a minute but I was able to figure out what my issue was. Somewhere in my subconscious, I am attracted to men that are afraid to comment. When I start having feelings for a man and he falls back a bit, instead of taking the hint and falling back after realizing that he wasn’t really as interested as I initially assumed or we weren’t on the same page as far as what we wanted from each other, I would see his nonchalant ways as a challenge of sorts and try to persuade him to want what I wanted. When that didn’t work, eventually I would fall back and then the guy would appear to show real interest once again and the vicious cycle continued. A lot of this stemmed from my own insecurities but also because of my pickiness which has led to toxic patterns and  behaviors that I exhibit in relationships that led me to the inconsistent men in my life.

I realized that I am a mix of the curve queen and the head over heels girl depending on who approaches me. If I am not really into a guy, I can be the curve queen because I’ll suggest meeting up but never actually put the effort into making plans lol. I also make excuses because I don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings even though I am not interested at all in talking or hanging out with them. On the other hand, when I am into someone, I am the head over heels girl because when I am into someone, I give them my all. I ignore red flags (as you can see from me being attached to the inconsistent guy lol) and I love the idea of love but haven’t always been patient enough or loved myself enough to not settle out of fear of failing and the fear of loneliness. After the last situation went sour, I decided that I have to be completely honest with myself, by myself and work on my mental, spiritual and physical (well I’m not quite there yet with the physical lol) in order to eliminate the toxic habits within myself that attract the toxic temporary men that may try to enter my life. They may have been able to come through before but now they will get denied at the first sign of flakiness and wishy washy behavior!

Which type(s) do you attract and which type(s) do you fall under? Let me know in the comments. I know its difficult to see your behaviors as toxic but you will learn a lot about yourself when you are completely honest with yourself. New post coming Friday. Until then, remember to love and live luxuriously!

QOTD: What Constitutes As Lying?

Good Morning! I said in my previous post that today’s post would be based on a question that I posted on social media. For those of you who missed it, here is what I wrote:

QOTD: Should lying by omission be considered lying?

Ex: Your significant other asks who you’re hanging out with tonight. You say you are hanging out with your boys/girls but fail to mention that your ex will be there as well. Should you be at fault for not telling the whole truth?

The responses I received were interesting mainly because most women thought that lying by omission should be considered lying and many of the guys who replied felt that it shouldn’t be considered lying especially if information was withheld to avoid any future issues. Even though I can understand both arguments, I think that a lie by omission is still a lie because by withholding information, you allow the other person to create outcomes based off of the details you give. In the example I posted above, if you say that you are hanging out with your boys/girls but fail to mention that your ex will be at the same place and say that place is a bar, getting intoxicated around someone who you used to have a relationship with may create a situation that can lead to serious consequences. Many people would argue that just because someone is hanging around their ex doesn’t mean that they have feelings for them or that they want to get back into a relationship with them and while I wholeheartedly agree, if there is nothing to worry about. why hide the fact that the ex will be there in the first place? If the reason is to avoid drama in the form of accusations or jealousy, I feel that there are deeper issues in the relationship that need to be addressed. If you trust your partner completely, you should be secure in your relationship and most importantly, secure with yourself and what you bring to the table.

I feel that it all boils down to effective communication with your partner and respect for his/her feelings. If you know that hanging around your ex is going to be an issue, talk about what the specific issue is. If the issue stems from the ex causing issues in the past within your relationship, then maybe its best not to be around him/her even in a group setting. If the issue is mainly with your partner and their own insecurities, that is something that he/she needs to work on outside of the relationship especially if your actions have not warranted that type of behavior. I have dealt with men in the past that have omitted details from a situation and when I found out about them later, I was upset, not because of the actual detail being omitted but the fact that he deliberately failed to mention a detail because he wanted to avoid any type of confrontation or disagreement made me wary and suspicious of his behavior. Even if I would have felt some kind of way about the situation knowing all the details, I would have respected his honesty because honesty is very important to me in all of my relationships both personally and professionally. I can’t speak for everyone but I feel that if there is open communication and honesty within the relationship, omitting details would be unnecessary because trust would be established which would be stronger than any potential bs from outside sources.

Working on my first vlog/rant of 2019 for my next post and it’s gonna be a good one so stay tuned for that. In the meantime, I’d still love to read your feedback on this question so  make sure you let me know your thoughts in the comments below! Thanks to everyone for all of the positive feedback. I am really enjoying blogging for the first time in YEARS so know that I am just getting started! Until my next post, remember to love and live luxuriously!

Thick Girl Blues (Spanx Not Included!)

Me in 2008 and me in 2018…crazy right!

In the past, I’ve had writer’s block and I always used the excuse of not having anything going on in my life to write about. I realized that the issue wasn’t that I had run out of things to write about  but the real issue was because I put restrictions on my writing. I wanted my posts to focus on triumph and overcoming obstacles without actually discussing the process. For example, I wanted to post about having a healthier lifestyle without actually discussing where I am health wise now and what occurred in my  life to get to this point. Even though I am anxious to get to the finish line, I have to acknowledge what is happening in the present and be completely honest with my readers and most importantly, myself.

I’ve been considered “thin” ever since I could remember. I could eat what I wanted without gaining weight and although I didn’t have a super flat stomach, it was flat enough for me not to have to suck it in while putting on jeans and I could wear tight clothes without having the appearance of a pudge. Although I always wanted to be a bit thicker especially when I was younger and was teased for being skinny, I eventually came to terms that I would never be super curvaceous and I was okay with that for the most part. When I turned 30 though, things started to change.

I started gaining weight slowly but surely. It wasn’t that noticeable to anyone but I could see the difference. My clothes started to fit a bit tighter and I went up a bra size but it was still manageable and because I was still technically thin, it wasn’t a big deal. However, between the Summer/Fall of 2017 and Winter 2018, it’s like my body went through a crazy change and I put on an extra 15 pounds which hit my boobs, stomach and thighs the hardest. Leggings didn’t look as good on me anymore in a size small and although my favorite pair of jeans still fit because they were super stretchy, holes developed in the thigh area from rubbing together. I came to find out that a lot of thicker women have this problem but I always had a thigh gap so I was oblivious to this issue. My boobs went up another size and although I’m still small compared to a lot of my friends, I’m definitely not flat chested like I was in my younger years. This new body that felt like it came out of nowhere was foreign to me and I wasn’t completely comfortable in my own skin anymore. I had to buy new jeans, bras and even a pair of Spanx because with the new weight in my boobs and thighs came an unwanted present in my stomach area in the form of a pudge/gut whatever you want to call it!  I know that a lot of women gain weight as they get older but my mother was always small and so are many of the women in my family so I felt like an oddball of sorts. I can’t say that anyone made me feel bad about my weight because I’ve received a lot of compliments on how good the weight gain looked on me and when I did the 10 year challenge (as seen in the pic above) I realized that the extra weight makes me look more mature and womanly. Even though most of my old clothes don’ fit me anymore, I do like the fact that the new clothes I’ve bought enhance my curves and make me feel sexy/cute/mature etc. depending on what I’m wearing. With that being said, although I don’t want to go back to the size that I was in my 20’s, I do want to be fit and more toned and for that to happen, I have to eat better and exercise more. I walk a lot but I eat terribly (dairy, pasta, bread and rice are my weaknesses!) and I don’t drink enough water (can’t stand the taste or lack thereof!) I’ve been on diets, cleanses and changed my eating habits but usually around the 2 week mark, I give up. I know it’s mind over matter but I haven’t been completely ready mentally yet to let go of comfort foods and bad habits in order to get to my goal of being slim/thick lol

This post is definitely not a pity party cause I do work with what I have and I like what I see for the most part when I look in the mirror at my shape. I am not at the love stage yet and I know that diet and exercise aren’t the only things that have to change for me to completely embrace the new me. I have to stop comparing myself to others (especially on social media) and while it is good to always work on yourself, being overly critical will keep negative energy around me and I definitely don’t need that. I always say that I am a work in progress and when I get this whole healthy lifestyle journey together, I will definitely share it with you guys! If you have any suggestions on what has worked for you, let me know in the comments:)

I’ll be back on Friday with a new post but until then be sure to love and live luxuriously!

My List of “Non-Negotiables”

Good Morning! At this point in my life, I am the epitome of a “work in progress” and one of the things I’m working on is being more consistent. I am frustrated with myself for not posting as consistently as I would like but it is something I continue to work on by brainstorming and not being afraid to ask others for advice. With that being said, the topic of this post came from my therapist who suggested I share some of the things that I’ve discussed with her during our sessions. I have discussed my past relationship with her in great detail (and with you guys as well!) and focusing on the areas where I settled and compromised when it went against everything I wanted and stood for. She suggested that I create a list of “non-negotiables”, basically a list of things I am not willing to compromise on in a future partner. My list is kinda long lol so I won’t share every non-negotiable but here are the top 3 non-negotiables that apply to my dating life which I feel that many of you can relate to as well!

My future partner will not be involved in any social media drama (or any drama for that matter!)

In my previous post, I spoke about how social media can be harmful in a relationship in my last post and although I’ve never dealt with any drama personally, I’ve seen how it can ruin relationships from viewing other people’s drama on my feed. I told myself that I would never be involved with anyone that will let the perception of social media distort their reality and I wouldn’t go back and forth publicly with anyone on social media especially if it’s regarding my personal life. Anyone who thrives off of internet drama is someone who needs to stay as far away from me as possible because I am all about maintaining positive vibes in 2018 and beyond!

My future partner is open to a committed relationship that will lead to marriage

Now this was something that I knew I wanted but was afraid to admit because I didn’t want it to seem like I was being forceful or asking for too much but my therapist made me realize that wanting more out of a relationship and being upfront about it is the mature thing to do. I realized that by settling for behaviors like not making plans in advance, not meeting family or friends and not talking about the future did not demonstrate that I wanted a committed relationship and when I would mention these things in my last relationship, it was either brushed off or excuses were made which showed that he did not want the same things I did. I told myself that in my next relationship, I would be clear about what I wanted and if my needs could not be met, then there would be no need for us to go any further! Being honest with your partner is important but being honest with yourself should be your number one priority!

My future partner is willing to be completely honest, transparent and open

Now this one is the most important to me because I dealt with someone who was vague, indirect and secretive when it came to talking about himself. I understand that some people have trust issues and aren’t going to open up right away and that is fine but when you are involved with someone for a several years and you feel like you really don’t know the essence of who they are, then you have a problem. Knowing the basics is a given but if a real connection is to happen, I feel like certain truths have to be shared that may be uncomfortable to talk about or may leave you feeling vulnerable. If your partner is holding back things from you or you feel that you have to be “Inspector Gadget” to find out what’s going on with him/her, chances are they aren’t ready for that next level and you have to respond accordingly…in other words: MOVE ON!

The most important thing I’ve learned from creating my non-negotiables list is that the qualities, traits and behaviors I want from my future partner will be shown in time and when someone shows you who they are, you have to believe them and take their actions at face value. My non-negotiables list has helped me to be completely honest with myself and what I want and is a guideline for the things I should look for in my next relationship. Everyone’s list will be different but regardless of what is included, always stay true to yourself and what you want from your partner. Most importantly, you have to be able to also be able to possess those same qualities and traits that you are requiring from your partner. It is so easy to stay complacent in a relationship or situation that isn’t going anywhere but being firm on your standards and not settling will be much more rewarding in the end. Until then, I’m just focusing on “AmoreLuxe.com (Of course!) Amore Luxe Media, and improving my mental, physical and emotional well-being. I will continue to keep you updated 🙂

What are your non-negotiables? I’m curious especially since I can always add to my list! Feel free to share them in the comments section below. Until my next post, always remember to love and live luxuriously!