Hurt

I would hold you in my arms…I would take the pain away…Thank you for all you’ve done …Forgive all your mistakes…There’s nothing I wouldn’t do… To hear your voice again… Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won’t be there

Christina Aguilera-Hurt

As many of you know from an earlier post of mine, my father had a stroke and I have been MIA for the most part dealing with all of that. He passed away last Saturday and I was hesitant to post  about it on here because I didn’t want to bring any sadness to anyone reading.  Then a friend of mine reminded me that blogging is a release and that the good and the bad highlight humanity as a whole so I decided to share what has gone on in my head in hopes that it will possibly help someone else going through a similar situation.

Back in January, I wrote a post called “Daddy’s Little Girl” (http://theangielalaexperience.com/2014/01/09/daddys-little-girl/) where I discussed the issues I have had with my father. I was mad at him but also at myself because I wasn’t sure how we were going to make things better and when I wrote that post, we weren’t on speaking terms. Right before he left to stay with my grandmother in Florida, we made up in our own way and I helped him pack and gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him to have a safe trip. I didn’t feel sad or anything because I just knew he’d be back. If I had known that it was the last time I’d ever see him again, I know I would have done things differently. I would have talked a bit more, laughed a bit more with him and focused on the positive instead of what was lacking in our relationship. We spoke on the phone after that and he was always asking me to do something for him which annoyed the hell out of me but I did what he asked…eventually. In our last real conversation, he asked me if I missed him and I told him I did but that I wanted him to get his life together and he said that’s exactly what he was trying to do. I know in my heart that he was trying because he told my mom the same and wanted to make things up to her. It hurts so much that when he finally decided to turn his life around, he ended up losing his life in the process. I wish I would have been more patient and understanding and I wish I could have seen things from his point of view instead of being solely wrapped up in my emotions. I knew he loved me especially after everyone told me how proud he was of me but I hope he knew that I loved him too. I tell him every night before I go to sleep because it’s my way of making up for all the times I didn’t say it. I don’t believe in regrets because everything happens for a  reason but I do wish that my father and I would have had more time together but I cherish all the moments we had, even the bad ones because now I am able to look back on it all and appreciate him for who he was.

I have learned that to move on, you have to forgive and allow others to forgive you as well. I hope that my daddy forgave me in his own way for my ignorance and selfishness that placed a strain on our relationship in the past. I can’t change what has happened but I can move forward knowing that he is in a better place and that even though I can’t see him, his presence lives on. I  know that whenever I hear a Smokey Robinson (his favorite artist) song on the radio or see Rocky (the squirrel he used to feed crackers to) on our roof ,  that is his way of leaving a piece of him with me wherever I go. I am hurting now but I want anyone who has been through something like this or is going through it now to know that everything will be alright in time and those breakdown moments will come but it is to be expected and will clear the way for happier days ahead.

 

Much love to you all!

 

love.laugh.live.life

 

 

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A Moment In Time

“And in that moment I swear we were infinite”

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

infinite2I was up late last night thinking about all the problems that I have to deal with . Bills, family troubles, relationship ish, the list goes on and on and I wondered when did these problems begin? When did my mother start letting me know about the issues between her and my father? When did I start worrying about not being able to find “the one” that I want to spend the rest of my life with? Most importantly, when did I become an adult and why didn’t anyone warn me about all the stress and drama that came with it? I wanted to remember a time where everything seemed possible and the people around me were as carefree and happy as I was and the first memory that popped into my mind was when I was in 6th grade hanging out with my girl Regina on her porch looking at the clouds. We would make up silly games out of songs and everything felt right in those moments. My dreams weren’t so crazy back then and we didn’t have to worry about having money for the rent or taking care of others because we had people looking out for us. I thought that feeling of comfort and security would last forever and I would be able to go through life knowing that everything would be alright. As time went by, things started to change. People started to change and that world that I once felt so secure in no longer existed. I wondered to myself was it all in my head. Maybe I saw what I wanted to see instead of what was really there. Whatever happened, happened and I had to face reality and grow up.

Even though I no longer wear rose-colored glasses when it comes to how I view the world, I still find happiness and peace in the little things in life. Moments shared between friends, kisses and intimate touches shared between my significant other and inside jokes that only my mother and I understand bring those same feelings that I had when I was 12. Although I am a grown woman who has to use the cards that life dealt me to the best of my ability, there will always be those moments that make me realize that through all the struggle and the pain, I am exactly where I need to be and although everything around me may be changing, my dreams are still the same and now instead of just looking at the clouds on my friend’s front porch and imagining what could be, I can make my dreams a reality and because of that, I am hopeful and determined.

love.laugh.live.life