Stop Trying To Fix Broken People

Good Morning!  I want to get right into today’s blog post topic because I have been seeing links and posts related to this topic for the past week and it has been on my mind heavy to discuss my personal experiences as it relates to being the fixer in relationships. After going to a men’s only discussion this past Saturday, I realized that when men aren’t ready to be in a committed relationship, they will not put in the time and effort it takes for the relationship to work. Some may stick around for the sex or convenience of the relationship but their actions makes it clear as to what their intentions really are. In the past, instead of paying attention to their actions, (or lack of inaction in many cases) I would try to “fix” whatever I saw that was broken in them or their situation in hopes that they would come to the light and realize that I was the woman of their dreams. Now I don’t need to tell you how that worked out lmao but what I realized that instead of trying to fix someone else, I needed to fix what what broken inside of me.

Growing up, I always had self-esteem issues. I felt inadequate and less than all throughout high school because I was the quintessential geek (had the glasses, braces and awkwardness that goes with it!) even though I thought that I could start fresh by moving to Atlanta for college, those insecurities still lingered and exposed themselves when I entered into a relationship with my first boyfriend while in college. He was my first everything and because I thought that I didn’t deserve because him of his good looks and accomplishments, I ignored the warning signs that he exhibited early on. He had a terrible temper and would get mad at me for the littlest things and would be emotionally manipulative in order to deflect from his is flaws and misgivings. I was young and naive and didn’t realize how he used my inexperience and insecurities to his advantage so instead of speaking up for myself and knowing my worth, I attempted to fix whatever it was that was broken inside of him because I felt responsible for his actions (crazy right!). So when he would get mad at me for getting a flat tire after leaving the movies, (even though he knew the tire was already losing air and the trip to the movies was on my dime) I would accept responsibility and apologize profusely. When he accused me of flirting with another man even though I was having a casual conversation with the husband of one of my friend’s guests, I would get defensive and try to explain myself not realizing that this was his guilt coming out because he was cheating on me. My own brokenness and insecurities blinded me from the truth and when I finally saw the relationship for what it was and decided to leave, the damage had already been done.

In the relationships and situation ships that followed, I excelled at being “Ms. Fix It”. One of the guys I was talking to even nicknamed me “Angel’ because he felt that I was a bright light in his life and someone that he could lean on for support when things weren’t going right. In my last situationship, I desperately tried to get the man I was seeing to open up to me and let me in. He was obviously broken and because I loved him and wanted to see him happy, I settled and put my feelings and needs aside to accommodate him. It became a relationship of convenience because everything was fit around his time and schedule. I felt like an option and an afterthought and the insecurities that continued to linger from all those years ago started to come out and confrontations about why he wasn’t able to fully commit to me went nowhere. This was emotionally draining and went on for years until I finally realized that the only broken person I am responsible for fixing is myself. I cannot control what anyone else says or does but I can control the access I let them have into my life. When I decided to let him go and make myself a priority, a weight was lifted off of me. I was able to start doing the work that was necessary in order to rebuild my life and my self-worth and although I am not where I want to be, I am definitely doing a whole lot better than I used to. Relinquishing the title of “Ms. Fix It” has been liberating and rewarding and unlike the times in the past, I am the one that benefits from putting in the work!

I know that many of you are guilty of being the fixer in your lives. Fixing is not limited to romantic relationships either because so many of us try to fix our family and friends that are broken and we end up losing pieces of ourselves in the process. When your know better, you do better so I hope that anyone who is going through this understands that you should have to break yourself down to build someone else up. Much love to you all and I will be back with a new post next week. Have a great weekend and remember to love and live luxuriously!

Wisdom Wednesday: Getting My Mind Right Again

Good Morning! I planned on posting on Monday about my weekend and a men only discussion panel that I went to with friends on Saturday but things didn’t go as planned. I didn’t have the time to work on the post and properly articulate my thoughts so I pushed it to the back of my mind and focused on the tasks at hand. It wasn’t until I was on hold with my bank (who I need to get rid of but that’s another story!) that I was becoming inconsistent once again with posting but unlike in the past, I had a lot to say but didn’t have the time to sit down, reflect on my day/week and just take a breather so that I could get in the right frame of mind to be able to create quality content. In other words, I needed to give myself some time to just relax and get my mind right.

When I was in a stagnant place financially and career wise, I kept asking God to make changes in my life so I could get to where I wanted to be. I wanted to be motivated enough to go after what I wanted and I wanted to acquire new clients for “Amore Luxe Media” so I could have the funds I needed to do the things that would help me achieve my goals. God answered my prayers but I wasn’t prepared for what he had in store! In 3 months time, I started a podcast with my homie, started posting consistently on “Amore Luxe”, went back to working at the daycare center in a solely administrative role AND acquired 3 consistent new clients and a few others. Needless to say, I felt blessed but overwhelmed. My days consist of doing light paperwork at the daycare and working on various assignments for my clients. Once a week, I head out to NYC to record the podcast with my homie DJ (visit http://www.weekendfriendz.com for more information on how to listen!) as well as my weekly therapy sessions on Wednesdays which are helpful but can be an inconvenience with my already busy schedule. In the midst of all of that, I joined the gym and wanted to go at least twice a week after work to get in shape but so far, that hasn’t been working out. My brain is fried and I feel tired and overwhelmed. While I am thankful that I am no longer unmotivated or feeling stagnant, I feel like I am being pulled at both ends and even though I try to plan my schedule accordingly, I just feel like there’s not enough time in the day to do all of the things I want to do. I started feeling anxious about everything and decided instead of going down that rabbit hole of worry and self-doubt, I needed to take a moment to myself to get my mind and spirit right so I can be the best version of myself when finishing all of these tasks. Doing this was easier said than done but it was absolutely necessary.

First, I had what I like to call a “mini meditation moment”. I sat down, closed my eyes and inhaled/exhaled for about 5 minutes. After I have my moment to myself, I recited positive affirmations to myself (“You got this” “You are capable of doing anything you put your mind to” etc.) and watched YouTube videos . Once I felt like I was in a better frame of mind, I focused on the most important task off of my list which was working on an assignment for one of my clients. After being satisfied with the amount of work I put in towards the assignment, I started getting ready for bed and settled in with enough time to have another mini meditation moment before going to sleep. I realized that while I work well under pressure, I am not a robot and need to take some “me time” in order to recalibrate and perform at the highest level. Everyone’s version of “me time” is different but these tips worked for me but regardless of what method/actions you take to get your mind right, make sure you do it because it is essential for your overall health and well-being!

I plan on talking about the men only discussion panel I attended in my next post on Friday so be on the lookout for that. Until then, make sure you continue to be the best version of yourself in all aspects of life and remember to love and live luxuriously!

Anxiety Is Not A Game!

Good Afternoon! The reason why this post was uploaded at noon and not at 9am like normally is because I couldn’t think of anything to write about at first. I thought about what issues am I facing currently and I realized that my anxiety has been creeping back in my life slowly but surely. There are different levels of anxiety and its an ongoing issue that I constantly deal with but I am learning to recognize the warning signs and learning how to better deal with those feelings as they come.

My anxiety usually appears in the form of heart palpitations, worst case scenario thoughts and the inability to be able to completely relax.  It happens as a result of an issue that feels out of my control or one that could have been prevented if I would have done something differently.  The anxiety began this weekend when I was out at a party and I accidentally broke something. Although the object that I broke appeared to be fixed, I was still worried about something happening where my friend would get in trouble or I would have to pay an exorbitant amount of money to repair/replace the object even though a high amount was unlikely. The night went south after that and between worrying about that and being concerned for the well-being of someone else close to me, I was stressed out all weekend. The stress lasted into Monday and yesterday where I was annoyed about not receiving payment from one of my clients for something I worked on for him and wanted to avoid confrontation although I was not at fault and feeling overwhelmed with deadlines for other clients. Since my anxiety only appeared to worsen throughout the day, I decided to disconnect from social media yesterday evening and went to sleep after watching my tv shows. Today I woke up still feeling anxious so I decided to start putting everything into perspective. If I end up having to pay for the broken object, I will work out a payment plan that won’t mess me up financially. I will be direct with all of my clients from now on regarding payment and not agree to work on projects with those who have a hard time following. I will continue to stick to deadlines but I will create a schedule that will allow me to pace myself and allow me to not feel so overwhelmed. Even though my anxiety will most likely pop up again in the future, I know that I can alleviate the symptoms by changing my thought process, decatastrophizing, and realizing that no matter what the outcome is, its not the end of the world even though my anxiety wants to convince me otherwise!

How do you deal with anxiety?  Let me know your tips in the comments. Still working on ideas for the next “Confidence Is…” Profile so if you or someone you know is the perfect example of confidence and strength in the face of adversity, email me at angelacherai@gmail.com so I can interview them! My next post will be up on Friday but until then, always be sure to love and live luxuriously!

Motivation Monday: Self-Worth Is Everything

Happy Monday Everyone! I was swamped with work last week so I wasn’t able to post but I definitely want to make up for it with today’s post. After a conversation I had over the weekend,  I realized the importance of self-worth in the face of adversity. You have to know your own value to be able to change the course of your life. It can be difficult to see your own self-worth when events in life make you feel like you have nothing to offer but I think that the clarity and focus you need  to get your life back on track often comes when you are at your lowest point in life.

When I was at a low point in my life in order to gain clarity, I had to reflect on that actions that occurred that brought me to that point. I realized that the very action that brought me down was my inaction. I became complacent and soon the complacency gave way to not bothering to even make an effort. Lack of motivation led to a decrease in my own self-worth. If I couldn’t bother to even try, what was the point of my existence? I wasn’t suicidal but at the same time, I wasn’t sure what my purpose was. Since it was difficult for me to figure out what I wanted for my life at that point, I decided to think back to a time where I was hopeful and optimistic about my life and what my goals were. At that time in my life, I wanted to motivate and inspire people. I also wanted to be an entrepreneur with my own business and I wanted to be financially stable so I could create the life I’ve always desired on my terms. After reflecting on my past goals, I did a reevaluation on those goals and realized that I still wanted those things. After that confirmation, I started thinking about all of the steps it would take to get to where I always wanted to be.

The first thing I decided to do is start working on myself so I could motivate and inspire people by using my life as an example of triumph over adversity. I got back into blogging, started a podcast with my friend and started changing my perspective on things so I could see the bright side or “best case scenario” (check out my previous post for more about that topic). As far as the entrepreneurial goals, I started doing more word of mouth promotion for Amore Luxe Media services as a result of online observation which has helped me gain consistent clientele.  I am currently on my way to financial stability because of my growing client list as well as working at the daycare doing administrative work both of which have helped me earn extra income. I’m not where I want to be but I am doing a lot better than I was this time last year and most importantly, by figuring out what I wanted from my life, I was able to rediscover my passion which gives me a positive sense of self-worth and purpose. Everyone’s journey is different but sometimes, you have to start back at square one to get to exactly where you need to be.

What does self-worth mean to you? Is it something measurable or does it go deeper than that? Let me know in the comments! I will be back on Wednesday with a new post but hit me up on IG (@amoreluxe_) or Facebook (Angela Cherai) with your thoughts and any topic suggestions. I hope everyone has an awesome week and until Wednesday, always remember to love and live luxuriously!