Falling In Love With Myself

fallinginlovewithmeeditGood Morning everyone! Over the weekend, I was reflecting on my life in the (almost) 29 years I have been on this earth and how every decision has brought me to this epiphany I’ve had over the last couple of days. Even though the bad times and situations have felt like stumbling blocks, they have taught me a lot about myself and life. I thought about the person I was 10 years ago and how much I have changed and because of those changes, I view life and the people who enter it differently. I have grown a lot since I entered my first relationship 10 years ago when I was 19 and very naive when it came to love and the opposite sex. I thought that if you did everything to please your partner and showed that you were a loyal and trustworthy person, he/she would be the same way and  love would “conquer all” as the saying goes.  After dealing with emotional abuse as well as infidelity, I realized that even though being faithful and genuine wasn’t enough to save that relationship or any relationship since, love can conquer all but this only counts when the person I am in love with is myself.

For so long, I put others’ opinions and feelings before my own and would live in fear that I wouldn’t be pretty/thick/experienced/sexy enough for someone’s love and affection. I would always be the timid geeky little girl that I was growing up that was seen as smart but not confident enough to get out of her own way and try new things. I was so worried about impressing others and becoming this new and improved version of myself that I didn’t realize that I had to stop falling in love with other people and exaggerated expectations and start falling in love with myself for anything in my life to change and go in a positive direction.

Falling in love with myself isn’t an easy task. I knew that the first step required me to be brutally honest with myself. I have to work on fixing the internal mess that is going on versus trying to fix the external trying to please others. A person that truly loves themselves doesn’t settle for less than they deserve. When you love yourself, along with that love comes self-respect and when it comes to all of your relationships, you realize that anyone you are involved is a reflection of the type of person you are and the decisions you have made. I realize that after my first failed relationship, a string of other failures followed because I settled for living in undefined gray areas instead of being specific and clear about what I wanted out of the relationship from the beginning. Even though I knew that the men I was dealing with weren’t ready to commit, I settled hoping that things would change (specifically me trying to change them) instead of seeing things as they were instead of what I wanted them to be. Maya Angelou once said “When someone shows you who they are, believe them” but instead, I chose to live in an ongoing state of denial because I was afraid of being alone. This denial not only hindered me from being in a productive, balanced relationship but it also hindered me from truly loving the person that I had to face the person in the reflection staring back at me.

I am at a point now where I am not actively looking for someone to be with. I know that what is meant to be will be and if “Mr. Right for me” happens to come along, I will embrace it but my priority is to start giving “Angela Cherai” the time and attention she deserves. I say the Serenity Prayer daily asking God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference and in doing so, I have found clarity that has opened my eyes to a world of possibilities that I didn’t know were there. One of my goals is to be a living example of someone who can inspire others to want the best for themselves. I know now that a person can’t find happiness, success and positive self-worth in other people or things. He/she has to find these attributes from within and loving yourself is the foundation that everything positive is built upon. It isn’t an overnight process but everyday I am a step closer to where I need to be and my goal is for the person reading this to be where you need to be as well:)

The 1st anniversary for “Amore Luxe” is approaching (as well as my 29th birthday) so stay tuned for the month-long celebration and all the “confidence talks” to go along with it!

And as always, remember to love and live luxuriously!

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Blink of an Eye

blinkofaneye

I know its been a couple of weeks since my last post but for once, I have a valid reason for my lack of inspiration. Two weeks ago, my father ended up in a coma caused by a stroke, The doctors said the damage was so severe that it was unlikely that he would recover and if he were to wake up, he would most likely be blind and not able to speak. When I heard that news, it felt like my world had shattered into pieces. Since my father was staying in Florida with my grandmother, I couldn’t rush to the hospital and my mom had to fly down to handle things but I had to stay with my brother because he is autistic and needs someone to be with him . In my mind, nothing would ever be the same after that and I felt guilty because although my dad and I were talking to each other and I wasn’t mad at him at the time, I felt as if I would never get the chance to tell him that in spite of all of our arguments and bad times, that I always have and always will love him. Regardless of the issues that him and my mother had, he was always present in my life and everyone kept telling me how proud he was of me and how much he gushed about me and wanted me to be happy and safe. Hearing those words from others made me cry even more because I felt that I didn’t appreciate him enough. When my grandmother called to tell me and my mom what happened, I assumed it was my father calling and I was slightly annoyed because he called and always needed me to do something.  Now when he really needs help the most, I feel helpless. Everyone keeps telling me to pray and I have and he’s defying the odds because he said a few words to my mother and grandmother and he may have vision in one eye so we all are remaining hopeful.

As all of this was going on with my father, I had events and previous hosting engagements to attend and since I couldn’t be there with him in Florida, I wanted to follow through on all of my  plans and make something of myself so I could feel deserving of the positive things he said about me to others. My father’s current predicament has made me realize that we have to treasure every moment we have and not take anything or anyone for granted. I am not sure what the future holds but I promised myself that I would give my all in whatever it is I set out to do and to let go of any negative energy holding me back. If I get a chance to have a real conversation with my father, I would tell him that he is why I am starting to realize how precious life really is and I won’t take anyone, especially him for granted anymore.  We are forever connected and even if we aren’t able to speak with our words, I know that our love is strong enough to transcend space and time.

Much love to all of you and remember to

love.laugh.live.life