I woke up this morning knowing exactly what I wanted to talk about today but not knowing how much of it I wanted to put out there. As much as I talk about my personal life as it relates to dating and self-esteem issues, I tend to stray away from talking about my family. It’s a sensitive subject for me especially when it comes to discussing my father. My father and I have a strange relationship. I grew up in a 2 parent household but my mother was the breadwinner and my father was the one who depended on her for everything. As intelligent as my father is (he can tell you a million things about UFO’s, African-American and European History and Psychology) he never applied himself and seemed content with just getting by in life. Growing up, he rarely ever complimented me on my accomplishments but was quick to criticize and/or put me on punishment if I did something he didn’t like or approve of. He would make jokes about things at my expense and although I loved my father, we were never particularly close.
As I grew older, I started seeing the burden he placed on my mom because she started being resentful towards him. My father could always find a way to turn a situation around and make himself look like a victim. He did it to my mother and he started doing that to me when I finally had the nerve to defend myself. I started becoming resentful towards him because he was so dependent on my mother (and sometimes me) for everything. We would argue here and there but last night was one of those explosive arguments where insults were thrown and I started feeling like that defenseless little girl that he used to yell and insult. I snapped and said things that I meant but wished I could have stated differently instead of letting my anger get the best of me. I had a hard time falling asleep last night because of what happened and I thought to myself “Why do I let my father get to me knowing he is the way he is?” The answer I came up with is that he was the first man in my life that disappointed me and I don’t think I’ve ever really let go of that.
I always felt like nothing I ever did was good enough. As a child and teenager, I was the smart ,quiet girl who didn’t date or go to any social events. I was labeled a “good girl” and everyone just knew I would be successful. I did have some slip ups along the way but I started getting my life together, graduated college and started pursuing my dreams of becoming the “Internet Oprah” Although my dad tells people about me and what I do, I never felt like he really cared much or was genuinely happy of the accomplishments I made. He seemed to focus on the things I haven’t done: “You still don’t have your license” “You still haven’t graduated college (this was before June of last year) and I felt like I could never win so I just stopped trying. I always talk about living your life for yourself and not trying to please others but I would be lying to myself if I said that my father’s approval didn’t mean something to me. I guess at the end of the day, I just wanted to be Daddy’s little girl. We have a lot to work on in our relationship but getting to the bottom of our broken relationship and why I feel the way I do is the first step and hopefully he is able to take that first step in the near future as well. I hope that one day I can be as trusting towards him as I did once upon a time.
I was up late last night thinking about all the problems that I have to deal with . Bills, family troubles, relationship ish, the list goes on and on and I wondered when did these problems begin? When did my mother start letting me know about the issues between her and my father? When did I start worrying about not being able to find “the one” that I want to spend the rest of my life with? Most importantly, when did I become an adult and why didn’t anyone warn me about all the stress and drama that came with it? I wanted to remember a time where everything seemed possible and the people around me were as carefree and happy as I was and the first memory that popped into my mind was when I was in 6th grade hanging out with my girl Regina on her porch looking at the clouds. We would make up silly games out of songs and everything felt right in those moments. My dreams weren’t so crazy back then and we didn’t have to worry about having money for the rent or taking care of others because we had people looking out for us. I thought that feeling of comfort and security would last forever and I would be able to go through life knowing that everything would be alright. As time went by, things started to change. People started to change and that world that I once felt so secure in no longer existed. I wondered to myself was it all in my head. Maybe I saw what I wanted to see instead of what was really there. Whatever happened, happened and I had to face reality and grow up.
Even though I no longer wear rose-colored glasses when it comes to how I view the world, I still find happiness and peace in the little things in life. Moments shared between friends, kisses and intimate touches shared between my significant other and inside jokes that only my mother and I understand bring those same feelings that I had when I was 12. Although I am a grown woman who has to use the cards that life dealt me to the best of my ability, there will always be those moments that make me realize that through all the struggle and the pain, I am exactly where I need to be and although everything around me may be changing, my dreams are still the same and now instead of just looking at the clouds on my friend’s front porch and imagining what could be, I can make my dreams a reality and because of that, I am hopeful and determined.
It has been 2 weeks since my last post and I feel like I’ve let you guys down but I have been in a rut of sorts lately. I knew that trying to get to the point where I could say that I am truly happy would be hard but it feels like something keeps holding me back from achieving greatness. I have let personal issues ( with my significant other and family) get in the way of my professional goals and the professional goals are the ones I want to carry out that will bring me happiness. I am not saying being successful in the business world is everything and it doesn’t guarantee that you will be successful in all areas of life but its a good start! All of the negative energy coming from my personal situations has brought me down and made me feel vulnerable and helpless in many ways and instead of dealing with it, I kept trying to escape which meant not coming on here and talking about it. Obviously that didn’t work well lol and I had to come back home to you all and let you know what’s been going on with me.